Bullying

Bullying gets a lot attention from parents, teachers, schools, students and the media. And so it should. It can difficult to deal with bullying due to a number of factors, and because there are so many interested parties, all with conflicting views. In the home schooling community bullying within  schools is cited as a reasons for choosing to take their kids out of public schools. In fact according to a study completed by the ABC news 30,000 children are kept home daily because of their fears about bullying. So this is a big issue for home schoolers. In fact it's a huge social issue for everyone. Youth suicide is the third biggest cause of death in people aged 15-24- bullying is an influencing factor in many of them.

Let's first look at the definition of bullying. Dictionary.com defines bullying as "a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people." The NSW Government's Education Public School's site defines it as "repeated verbal, physical, social or psychological behaviour that is harmful and involves the misuse of power by an individual or group towards one or more persons."

If we think back to our own childhoods we can all probably remember a person we regarded as a bully. Maybe some of you were the actual bullies. When I was a kid it mainly involved teasing, naming calling and exclusion. For me it was being called 'four eyes.' I remember hearing an adult refer to being bullied as a 'rite of passage.' Bullying has always been around however it seems to be a bigger issue these days. What has changed in the last two or three decades to make bullying more of an issue? Or has the behaviour not changed at all but our willingness to talk about bullying has increased? In years gone by was bullying dealt with behind closed doors, if at all? These are all the issues I've been pondering of late.

There are a many types of bullying, all of which can have a profound, negative impact on the victims and their families.

Firstly there is the obvious bullying where one or more children are openly hitting or being physical with another student. Even though this is often the more distressing type of bullying (because there is sometimes blood involved) they are usually easier to deal with. This is because there is evidence of what took place. This could be ripped clothing, missing school books and bags, injuries and also witnesses to an incident. I believe this type of bullying is most likely to lead to a suspension. Having said that there are many stories of these physical assaults happening time and time again, where the school has failed to protect these kids from further attacks. According to nobullying.com 47% of males have
reported to being physically assaulted.

Then there is the more subtle bullying that can be just as traumatic. I'm talking about the whispers in ears, messages, gossip and lies being spread, bumping into them roughly... the list could go on. These ones are harder to deal with because they aren't out in the open. It is often one person's word against another. There is often little evidence of it happening, and if there is evidence or a witness to the bullying there is sometimes an excuse of 'I was just joking' or 'it was an accident.' In the past I've had children 'accidentally' bump another child into a wall, locker or door time and time again. The first time (and maybe even the second time) I could believe it was an accident. I don't believe that one student can 'accidentally' bump another student a few times a day over an extended period of time. Or the students who are caught sending nasty messages to another student calling them every name under the sun only to turn around and say that they 'were joking!' I never have, and never will believe the 'I was only joking' excuse or 'it was an accident' excuse after the first two times... These can be a lot harder to deal with because each individual incident by themselves don't always look 'really bad' to those looking at it from the outside. I've had a father justify his daughter's name calling and bullying as 'harmless.' Yes, one time may be harmless but when it is relentless and over a long period of time it doesn't become harmless. I don't think the victim's parents regarded it as harmless.

Then there is what I'm calling 'perceived bullying.' As schools, parents, teachers and the media all talk about bullying I feel some children, and parents, are becoming hypersensitive to bullying. Some believe that if two children have a one off spat or argument- it's bullying. Bullying is continual over time. It never ends. An argument over a footy match and if the score is 12 or 11 points isn't bullying. It's an argument. Some children believe that as soon as their feelings are hurt or if someone disagrees with their opinion- they are being bullied. Hurt feelings doesn't equal bullying. I'm more than happy for parents to come to me with concerns of bullying during school time, however I think it's important to question the kids to get clarification as to what happened. I can remember an irate mother coming up to the school one afternoon demanding answers, demanding suspensions and making claims of a physical assault. Her son came home covered in mud-telling her that another boy had "thrown him to the ground." According to him he did nothing at all. He was just standing there when the other boy just threw him to the ground. Of course when you hear this from your son you want answers- how dare anyone do that to my child- a normal response. What had actually happened was her son was playing footy and a number of boys over the course of lunchtime had tackled him... to the ground. This is a prime example of how students sometimes- don't lie, but leave out important information that completely changes the whole situation. I've also had a student claim a group of four students had hit him- turned out that he was playing chasey with them and he had been 'tagged' by each of the boys....



With this last type of 'bullying' I've mentioned I'd like to discuss resilience. There are times when students need to develop some positive self talk strategies. This will usually start with mums and dads role modelling these skills themselves. Children need to understand that just because someone does something that upsets them doesn't mean that they are being bullied, often there is a simply explanation- and it isn't the end of the world. A good example of this when I had an older boy who was probably about eight at the time. He came to me and accused another student of pulling faces at him. He accused her of doing this "three or four times"in a row. The poor lass accused of face pulling was sneezing and was this was when she was 'pulling faces' at him. In this situation there was a simple explanation however even if there wasn't a simple explanation children have a choice to make. This is isn't a serious form of bullying- it is just annoying. They have the choice to ignore the face pulling and go on enjoying their day, or they could make it into something it doesn't need to be.


Next we come to the modern day form of bullying- cyberbullying. From a parent's point of view this is scary stuff. It's scary for so many reasons. Obviously you never want your child to be bullied but when it comes to cyberbullying it can be so much worse. The internet has made bullying into a worldwide platform for people young and old to name call, shame and send death threats to for everyone to see. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people can see a video in a matter of days if it goes viral. To make things worse these acts of bullying can be done anonymously or by someone posing as someone else- fictitious or real. On top of all this there is the issue that this stuff could be going on right under the noses of both the victim and the bully's parents. How quickly can people flick from one screen to the next so that mum and dad can't see what they are doing online! There is the added issue of people feeling a lot more comfortable saying things to people online that they simply wouldn't say to someone's face. This means it can get really nasty.

Cyberbullying has so many layers and issues it really scares me. Luckily since I'm a primary school teacher this type of bullying is few and far between. The only instance of cyberbullying was when a boy made and posted a video outlining the reasons why he 'hated' another student. We only found out about it when the victim burst into tears one day at school. When I found out about it I was truly amazed. These were two boys considered themselves to be friends. They had progressed throughout their schooling together from kinder and were both genuinely lovely boys. It turned out that the bully thought it would be funny to post a video about his friend. The video got over 500 hits before it was taken down. Luckily for the friendship the victim chose to forgive his friend's lapse in judgement and they continue their friendship to this day. It's interesting though. Just one cruel act can change how you see someone. Even though this happened quite a few years ago every time I see the boy who made the video and even though he may be  kind and friendly to everyone I still remember this incident... which is a shame because I do think it was just one poor choice- I don't think he is a bad egg... but I still remember.

Bullying is such a big issue in the lives of our young ones. It is a problem of which I don't know the solution to. I truly believe the answer lies in how we raise our kids and how we treat each other as a society.

What do you think should be done to help reduce bullying in both our schools and in life in general? I'd love to hear what you've got to say about it.

If you or someone you know is in need of help please seek help at the following places:

* Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14
* Suicide Line on 1300 651 251

Before I finish this post I wanted to share my experience of suicide. I'm fortunate enough to never have had a family member or close friends make the decision to end their life but I have had a close encounter with it. A few years ago in the early hours of the morning our home phone rang. I bolted to get it, because let's face it, when someone calls at 3am it's not to see how you are going. I thought something must have been wrong with my mum or dad, or another family member. It was actually a wrong number. But this guy was suicidal.  He had already tried calling all the numbers he could find and he couldn't get through. I told him that I wasn't a help line... I have no training in talking someone out of killing themselves. He told me if I hung up on him he'd kill himself. I'm serious. So I talked to this guy for four and a half hours. We talked about many things. He told me about his reasons for wanting to end it all. I told him about some shit things that have happened in my life. He was a complete stranger, but we talked and talked. And then he just hung up. Just like that. I didn't know what he was going to do. He was calm before he hung up but it was so sudden. I cried for the rest of the day. The following day I got a phone call at work from Simon saying he had received a call from a family member of the guy I'd spoken to. After he hung up on me he went to his local emergency ward (like I had suggested) and was being treated accordingly. He told them about me and they found my number on his phone. He wanted them to let me know he was ok. They regarded me as a life saver. Simon later bought me a statute of hands to remind myself of what I did that day but I think anyone would have done the same thing. The point I'm making here is that strangers are usually willing to help a person in need.  I think about this man a lot, even though it happened years ago and I hope that he has found peace in his life.


I hope you've found this post informative. Please feel free to like, share and comment. Please feel free to message me with any typos or edits.

Love Alexis.

The 's' word

The 's' word

Socialisation. 

What images does the word bring up? Does images of Sex and the City come to mind- with glamorous ladies dressed to the nines sitting in a swanky restaurant or club having cosmos and then dancing the night away come up? Or does the image of children having fun on a playground come up instead? Or does the image of young mums and dads taking their newly acquired puppy to "Puppy School" come up.

For me it's the latter. For me dogs are 'socialised' -not kids. Kids are raised and lead by what they see others doing. Children learn what is acceptable behaviour in our community through observations and interactions. What is acceptable in one group may be different in another group. For example, the language considered okay on the football field would not be acceptable at a church picnic.

It's this 'learning what is acceptable' that is one of the issues I have with mainstream schooling. Behaviour and language are the main areas lowered over my time teaching. 

The language you can hear in schools is a good example of how the standard of what is considered normal is slowly getting lowered. 
I remember in my first year of teaching a little girl in Grade 2 telling me this joke. Her-Knock, knock.  Me- Who's there Her- Bare Me- Bare who- Bare bum." (Add giggle) Yes, the word bum was in the joke. At the time this was considered to be inappropriate at my school and we discussed what words she could have used instead of the word bum....Well last year we had students at my school  joking about funny names like "Isma Harerite" sounds like "Is my hair right." Well one boy came out with "Mike Hunt." If you haven't heard it before can you please work it out yourself! Some of the children didn't get it, but the boy quickly attempted to explain why it was funny- before it was put a stop to. Now there is a group of students who've gone home with a new word! Since I've started teaching inappropriate language has gone from bum and bitch to F and C!

Time and time again I've seen parent dismiss their child's inappropriate behaviour as 'normal' and therefore acceptable. A prime example is aggressive behaviour in the yard (and in school in general.) Once while I was on yard duty I came across a group of young male students around 5-6 years of age who were playing 'prisoners.' I initially thought nothing of it as I could remember kids playing 'cops and robbers' when I was in primary school so I therefore thought it was a game along the same lines. Well I was very wrong. As I watched the boys play I noticed that they were putting a library bag over the 'prisoners' heads. When I asked the boys why they were doing that they answered that it was because he was about to be 'executed.' They then proceeded to discuss what type the execution was going to take place that day. "Will we hang him, shoot him or chop his head off," they cried. When I discussed this with the boys' parents some were adamant that this was 'normal' behaviour for boys. What came to my mind was 'how does a five year old know what an execution is?' Why is this okay that a child who has been alive for five years knows what this is! Often children will see things on the television, in the media, at home that they deem to be normal. They then bring these 'normal' ideas to school, where they pass behaviours and language onto other children as being 'acceptable.' While in this instance they were 'only pretending,' what is a concern to me is that youngsters know about these adult concepts before they are able to process it. But more importantly because it normalizes violence and desensitizes them to the images they see.

On a side note, as a parent who is quite selective about what I let my boys watch, I am absolutely amazed at the number of "G" rated shows and movies that contain 'executions' or threatened executions. I'm not talking about the ones that are obviously on the more violent side, but rather the surprising ones. I can remember putting a movie on in the car when we were going on holidays. I believe the movie was "Wind in the Willows." You know the one with Toad, Badger, Mole etc dressed in human clothes singing and dancing... Well while I was driving along the highway I hear from the back seat "prepare the prisoner for execution." What! I nearly swerved off the road. Honestly, this was in a "G" rated movie. I don't think a movie with animals singing amd dancing is aimed at anyone other than young children but this was deemed acceptable. Ridiculous. After we came home from our trip I watched the movie by myself and sure enough there was a character being led off to the gallows! The execution never happened but I still have a problem with this. I've also heard an 'execution' reference in a Pacman television show. 

Another problem behaviour I'm concerned about is clothing. Yes, many if not most schools require students to wear uniforms to school. Inappropriate clothing comes out at every opportunity there is. A free dress day, sports day, swimming or school disco leads to a competition over who is "sexiest." This is not just limited to the older levels of the school but it can be seen in younger and younger grades. Can I just add here that I've never seen or heard about boys talking about which of their friends are looking "sexy" but they rather focus on who is cool or funky. I would by no means describe myself as conservative but I do however believe that girls should wear bathers that require more material than a large handkerchief. Short skirts, high heels, bare bellies and spaghetti straps just don't belong on any girl of primary school age. (Unless she is having fun in a dress up box.) There is peer pressure to keep up with their friends when it comes to clothes. The issue is that once one kid does it everyone else follows. Once everyone is doing it kids looks for new ways to push the envelope and this is how their clothing choices become raunchier and raunchier.  

Where this anti-social behaviour comes from is many and varied. I'm calling this anti social even though this behaviour is widely accepted as being normal because I don't think it should be considered to be okay. It comes from television, from video clips, from movies, from commercials, its what they hear at home and what they hear at school. I've lost count of how many parents of students in the younger years say to me 'they never did this kind of stuff before they went to school.' Especially if it was their first kid. I've discussed this with other parents- many of whom, again, say 'oh that's a normal phase.' What is a normal phase? To speak like a trucker? I don't think so. I would agree that even those children who've been raised in a non-swearing, well mannered environment, will be introduced to this type of behaviour in the school yard. Sad really. I hope that if we don't accept bad behaviour maybe it won't continue.... Don't worry- I'm laughing at myself too.

You know the saying that goes something like "it takes a village to raise a child."  Well I've seen the village and I don't want it raising my kid! 

Again, I could talk about socialisation for ages. Enough for today. More another day.