Bullying

Bullying gets a lot attention from parents, teachers, schools, students and the media. And so it should. It can difficult to deal with bullying due to a number of factors, and because there are so many interested parties, all with conflicting views. In the home schooling community bullying within  schools is cited as a reasons for choosing to take their kids out of public schools. In fact according to a study completed by the ABC news 30,000 children are kept home daily because of their fears about bullying. So this is a big issue for home schoolers. In fact it's a huge social issue for everyone. Youth suicide is the third biggest cause of death in people aged 15-24- bullying is an influencing factor in many of them.

Let's first look at the definition of bullying. Dictionary.com defines bullying as "a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people." The NSW Government's Education Public School's site defines it as "repeated verbal, physical, social or psychological behaviour that is harmful and involves the misuse of power by an individual or group towards one or more persons."

If we think back to our own childhoods we can all probably remember a person we regarded as a bully. Maybe some of you were the actual bullies. When I was a kid it mainly involved teasing, naming calling and exclusion. For me it was being called 'four eyes.' I remember hearing an adult refer to being bullied as a 'rite of passage.' Bullying has always been around however it seems to be a bigger issue these days. What has changed in the last two or three decades to make bullying more of an issue? Or has the behaviour not changed at all but our willingness to talk about bullying has increased? In years gone by was bullying dealt with behind closed doors, if at all? These are all the issues I've been pondering of late.

There are a many types of bullying, all of which can have a profound, negative impact on the victims and their families.

Firstly there is the obvious bullying where one or more children are openly hitting or being physical with another student. Even though this is often the more distressing type of bullying (because there is sometimes blood involved) they are usually easier to deal with. This is because there is evidence of what took place. This could be ripped clothing, missing school books and bags, injuries and also witnesses to an incident. I believe this type of bullying is most likely to lead to a suspension. Having said that there are many stories of these physical assaults happening time and time again, where the school has failed to protect these kids from further attacks. According to nobullying.com 47% of males have
reported to being physically assaulted.

Then there is the more subtle bullying that can be just as traumatic. I'm talking about the whispers in ears, messages, gossip and lies being spread, bumping into them roughly... the list could go on. These ones are harder to deal with because they aren't out in the open. It is often one person's word against another. There is often little evidence of it happening, and if there is evidence or a witness to the bullying there is sometimes an excuse of 'I was just joking' or 'it was an accident.' In the past I've had children 'accidentally' bump another child into a wall, locker or door time and time again. The first time (and maybe even the second time) I could believe it was an accident. I don't believe that one student can 'accidentally' bump another student a few times a day over an extended period of time. Or the students who are caught sending nasty messages to another student calling them every name under the sun only to turn around and say that they 'were joking!' I never have, and never will believe the 'I was only joking' excuse or 'it was an accident' excuse after the first two times... These can be a lot harder to deal with because each individual incident by themselves don't always look 'really bad' to those looking at it from the outside. I've had a father justify his daughter's name calling and bullying as 'harmless.' Yes, one time may be harmless but when it is relentless and over a long period of time it doesn't become harmless. I don't think the victim's parents regarded it as harmless.

Then there is what I'm calling 'perceived bullying.' As schools, parents, teachers and the media all talk about bullying I feel some children, and parents, are becoming hypersensitive to bullying. Some believe that if two children have a one off spat or argument- it's bullying. Bullying is continual over time. It never ends. An argument over a footy match and if the score is 12 or 11 points isn't bullying. It's an argument. Some children believe that as soon as their feelings are hurt or if someone disagrees with their opinion- they are being bullied. Hurt feelings doesn't equal bullying. I'm more than happy for parents to come to me with concerns of bullying during school time, however I think it's important to question the kids to get clarification as to what happened. I can remember an irate mother coming up to the school one afternoon demanding answers, demanding suspensions and making claims of a physical assault. Her son came home covered in mud-telling her that another boy had "thrown him to the ground." According to him he did nothing at all. He was just standing there when the other boy just threw him to the ground. Of course when you hear this from your son you want answers- how dare anyone do that to my child- a normal response. What had actually happened was her son was playing footy and a number of boys over the course of lunchtime had tackled him... to the ground. This is a prime example of how students sometimes- don't lie, but leave out important information that completely changes the whole situation. I've also had a student claim a group of four students had hit him- turned out that he was playing chasey with them and he had been 'tagged' by each of the boys....



With this last type of 'bullying' I've mentioned I'd like to discuss resilience. There are times when students need to develop some positive self talk strategies. This will usually start with mums and dads role modelling these skills themselves. Children need to understand that just because someone does something that upsets them doesn't mean that they are being bullied, often there is a simply explanation- and it isn't the end of the world. A good example of this when I had an older boy who was probably about eight at the time. He came to me and accused another student of pulling faces at him. He accused her of doing this "three or four times"in a row. The poor lass accused of face pulling was sneezing and was this was when she was 'pulling faces' at him. In this situation there was a simple explanation however even if there wasn't a simple explanation children have a choice to make. This is isn't a serious form of bullying- it is just annoying. They have the choice to ignore the face pulling and go on enjoying their day, or they could make it into something it doesn't need to be.


Next we come to the modern day form of bullying- cyberbullying. From a parent's point of view this is scary stuff. It's scary for so many reasons. Obviously you never want your child to be bullied but when it comes to cyberbullying it can be so much worse. The internet has made bullying into a worldwide platform for people young and old to name call, shame and send death threats to for everyone to see. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people can see a video in a matter of days if it goes viral. To make things worse these acts of bullying can be done anonymously or by someone posing as someone else- fictitious or real. On top of all this there is the issue that this stuff could be going on right under the noses of both the victim and the bully's parents. How quickly can people flick from one screen to the next so that mum and dad can't see what they are doing online! There is the added issue of people feeling a lot more comfortable saying things to people online that they simply wouldn't say to someone's face. This means it can get really nasty.

Cyberbullying has so many layers and issues it really scares me. Luckily since I'm a primary school teacher this type of bullying is few and far between. The only instance of cyberbullying was when a boy made and posted a video outlining the reasons why he 'hated' another student. We only found out about it when the victim burst into tears one day at school. When I found out about it I was truly amazed. These were two boys considered themselves to be friends. They had progressed throughout their schooling together from kinder and were both genuinely lovely boys. It turned out that the bully thought it would be funny to post a video about his friend. The video got over 500 hits before it was taken down. Luckily for the friendship the victim chose to forgive his friend's lapse in judgement and they continue their friendship to this day. It's interesting though. Just one cruel act can change how you see someone. Even though this happened quite a few years ago every time I see the boy who made the video and even though he may be  kind and friendly to everyone I still remember this incident... which is a shame because I do think it was just one poor choice- I don't think he is a bad egg... but I still remember.

Bullying is such a big issue in the lives of our young ones. It is a problem of which I don't know the solution to. I truly believe the answer lies in how we raise our kids and how we treat each other as a society.

What do you think should be done to help reduce bullying in both our schools and in life in general? I'd love to hear what you've got to say about it.

If you or someone you know is in need of help please seek help at the following places:

* Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14
* Suicide Line on 1300 651 251

Before I finish this post I wanted to share my experience of suicide. I'm fortunate enough to never have had a family member or close friends make the decision to end their life but I have had a close encounter with it. A few years ago in the early hours of the morning our home phone rang. I bolted to get it, because let's face it, when someone calls at 3am it's not to see how you are going. I thought something must have been wrong with my mum or dad, or another family member. It was actually a wrong number. But this guy was suicidal.  He had already tried calling all the numbers he could find and he couldn't get through. I told him that I wasn't a help line... I have no training in talking someone out of killing themselves. He told me if I hung up on him he'd kill himself. I'm serious. So I talked to this guy for four and a half hours. We talked about many things. He told me about his reasons for wanting to end it all. I told him about some shit things that have happened in my life. He was a complete stranger, but we talked and talked. And then he just hung up. Just like that. I didn't know what he was going to do. He was calm before he hung up but it was so sudden. I cried for the rest of the day. The following day I got a phone call at work from Simon saying he had received a call from a family member of the guy I'd spoken to. After he hung up on me he went to his local emergency ward (like I had suggested) and was being treated accordingly. He told them about me and they found my number on his phone. He wanted them to let me know he was ok. They regarded me as a life saver. Simon later bought me a statute of hands to remind myself of what I did that day but I think anyone would have done the same thing. The point I'm making here is that strangers are usually willing to help a person in need.  I think about this man a lot, even though it happened years ago and I hope that he has found peace in his life.


I hope you've found this post informative. Please feel free to like, share and comment. Please feel free to message me with any typos or edits.

Love Alexis.

Welcome! Our reasons for homeschooling

Hi there everyone! Welcome to my first post on "My life as a homeschooling teacher."

My intention of this blog is to share my family's homeschooling journey from start to finish. Sharing the highs and lows that I'm sure we will encounter. We are still 18 months away from starting homeschooling officially so I'm a novice homeschooling mum. I am by no means an expert in teaching nor am I a homeschooling expert, but what I am an expert in is giving everything I do my all.

My husband and I decided about a year ago that homeschooling is for us. The logistics for us is me (Alexis) homeschooling the kids three days a week and my husband (Simon) homeschooling them two days a week. They will have two days 'off' and we'll have one family day. We will be homeschooling them on the weekends just because of the logistics of the week and balancing homeschooling with our work. We have two young boys names Elliott (aged 4) and Nate (aged nearly 3.) They are only 15 months apart in age. We live near the beach which we absolutely love.

Many people question our decision to home school because I'm a teacher. Some people have told me that it is like working for Bank A but having our money in Bank B. I can see why people could be confused by our choice but what it comes down to is that there are many teachers in the system that know how they should be teaching but their hands are tied when it comes to curriculum and expectations placed on them by their school and the Education Department. I am one of those teachers.

Our reasons for homeschooling our kids are many and varied. They include:

1. Family time: My husband works weekends. This works well for us now because he looks after the boys when I'm working. However in 2017 when my eldest starts school that won't work! My husband would not get to see my son except for evenings. That's not going to build a strong family unit!

2. Curriculum: The Australian Curriculum, in my opinion, isn't child friendly. Every single teacher would probably agree that we should be 'following the student's interests.' Schools have it on their websites and Facebook pages but at the end of the day they are expected to follow the Australian Curriculum. I have been to PD sessions throughout my years teaching focused on "Inquiry Learning."(It has had different names over the years) Each session we are told to allow the students to follow their interests- to give them the lead in their own learning. Sounds great right!? The problem is that student lead learning has to be within the confines of a topic which is usually the focus of the school day for ten weeks. So if a 6-7 year old is studying "Rules and Regulations" (yes that was the term one topic for Level 1 and 2) they have to find somewhere in that topic to be inspired by. I personally don't consider that to be truly following the student's interest- but it sounds good to parents!

3. Socialisation: One comment I get about homeschooling from EVERYONE is about socialisation. "Aren't you concerned about their socialisation?" they ask. The answer is simply "Yes, I am worried about the socialisation- that's why we're homeschooling." It isn't the response they are expecting. What I have observed over my time working with kids is that many students come to school as lovely, friendly kids and in a few short years they have morphed into a kids that excludes people for different reasons (i.e you're poor, you're dumb, you're fat, you're ugly, you've got XYZ disorder and the list could go on.) 

This exclusion of kids is often condoned, if not encouraged, by the parents. I remember one instance where a student invited every single child in the class to their birthday party except for one student. They handed out their invitations in front of this child and the poor kid was standing there waiting for his invitation that never came. To add insult to injury at playtime the birthday boy told the uninvited child that his mum said that he couldn't come because he had autism. As a parent my heart bled for him. The cruelty of the situation was huge. When I spoke to the birthday boy's mother about it she denied that she had said that he wasn't invited because he had autism but was more a matter of 'well you have to draw the line somewhere.' (I truly don't believe for a second that a seven year old is going to come up with the reason 'because you have autism' on their own. ) I did convince her that there wasn't much difference between 24 and 25 children at the party. He was eventually invited, he went and enjoyed himself. 

I'm not seeing what I consider to be well adjusted, well socialised kids in schools. Some people have said "oh that's normal for kids to do this and do that..." Is it though? I don't think it is. Over the sixteen years I have taught I have seen an alarming change in what is deemed 'normal' and 'acceptable' behaviour. When I started teaching the preps, Grade 1 and Grade 2 students they were, in my opinion, well adjusted, friendly students who, for the most part, included everyone in their class. Not every student in a class is going to be besties each other, that's a given. What I have noticed in kids of late is that they seem to think that merely not liking a kids isn't 'enough'- they have to tell that child that they don't like them. They have to let them know that they "hate" them. And then the spiral of "tit for tat" starts that can last years. I don't want my boys in that kind of environment where  behaviour like this is considered okay- because it's not okay with me.

I could go on about socialisation for ages. But enough for now. I promise I will talk about this is a future post. 

4. Time wasting: As a teacher I see an enormous amount of time wasted in schools. When you step back and have a look at how much time children actually spend on independent learning tasks it is in my estimation about two hours of real learning time per day while they are at school for  six and a half hours a day. There's wasting time while the teacher deals with students with behavioural issues, there is the organisational stuff (marking the role-which I've seen take one teacher take 10 minutes to do twice a day each day, lunch orders etc etc) There's waiting in line, there is waiting for the rest of the class to finish their work so they can go on with the next part of the session. I often see children waiting in line and think that my kids aren't going to waste so much of their lives waiting in a line. When we home school we are going to do an hour each of reading, writing and numeracy and the rest of the day is going to be on the 'rest of the stuff' like Science, History and Geography. 

5. The Rigor and Routine: This is the stuff I truly loath. I hate the idea that my children will do something just because they hear a bell. It's very "Pavlov's dogs." I don't like the idea of uniforms, lines and being silent. I don't think this is what children are meant to do. The longest hour of the week is assembly. Expecting children (and adults for that matter) to sit in one place for an entire hour listening to awards, house points, "Week in review" by the principal is ridiculous. When I questioned this I was told that it was indeed a learning experience because they were learning how to be a good audience member. But you know what?! My boys are going to learn about being a good audience member when they go to see puppet shows, or to the movies! Which one would you prefer to be doing? Over a year that's 40 set aside for assembly, or 280 hours over seven years at primary school! I'm pretty sure I can find something more exciting to do in those 280 hours!!!!

6. Anti social behaviour: Here I'm talking about aggression and harassment between students, and students towards teachers. Bullying is a huge issue in mainstream schooling. Every day I see examples of clear and obvious bullying such as hitting, kicking, punching, scratching, biting and name calling. These ones are easier to get to the bottom of because there is often others who see it. 

But then there are the more subtle examples of bullying (particularly with girls) which are a lot harder to deal with because they aren't out in the open like a punch. There are often no witnesses to the incident. I'm talking about children intimidating other students through whispers, excluding from groups, notes, emails, text messages (I'm amazed at how many primary aged students have access to mobile phones.) Even when faced with the physical note, email etc students will often deny their involvement saying "it wasn't me that wrote that note" (for example) and then it becomes a matter of "he said, she said."

With each example, regardless of whether it is the open kind or subtle kind of behaviour there is a limit to what the schools are "allowed" to do. I've seen one student kick the principal in the face, the VP in the balls, bite, kick, punch, spit on their class teacher, and I personally was hit over the head with a rock while trying to protect a student from being hit. This was all by the same student, and he obviously has major issues. He was suspended over ten times in the first term. The department was of little help to the school in regards to how to deal with him and he continues to be aggressive towards everyone he encounters. Yes he definitely has the 'right to an education' but I think the students and staff's right to a safe learning and work place should be put above his right to an education. Some may say this is wrong, but what I feel is wrong is hordes of students (and staff) feeling anxious everyday about what one child might do to them. Saying to a child that child X has a right to be there at school which mean they will more than likely be assaulted by the other child- that doesn't help the child to feel safe.

So there are the main reasons for us to choose homeschooling for our kids. We are by no means 'anti-teacher' but rather we don't like the limits put onto teachers in regards to the way we teach. I'm sure mainstream schooling will work for many people but not for everyone. 

Please come back to see more of my posts about our homeschooling journey.