Exclusion: Does it ever stop?

Exclusion- it’s a much talked about topic whenever the issue of bullying comes up. It’s a difficult situation to deal with because there are so many variables that comes into play. The question is ‘is it ever okay to exclude others?’ In my opinion, yes, it is okay to exclude others. However, there are certain ‘conditions’ I see to be important. 

As a teacher I often see students complaining of others not letting them play in their game. On investigation there are different reasons for kids not wanting to let certain kids play with them.

Is it ever okay to exclude someone?

Sometimes one child has been constantly unkind to others in a group of kids and as a result they want to distance themselves from this child. As an adult this is something that I do often. If people treat me poorly why would I want to spend my free time with them? But if kids do the same thing they are told that they are ‘excluding others’ and are told ‘that’s bullying.’ They are often told that they need to forgive and forget, and to give the child a second chance. Is this real life? As adults are we forced to socialise and spend our free time with people who have a negative effect on our lives. Not often. For many this is usually limited to work and family occasions! Then there's the idea that if children have these poor social skills which makes other kids not want to play with them- how are they going to gain the necessary skills in order to improve their friendship skills if nobody plays with them. But is that the job of others in their class or school? Its a tough one.

No body wants this for their child.

There’s a fine line between being realistic and being labelled a bully. I see kids who are forced to play with another child because they don’t have anyone to play with. I’m not talking about the kids I used in the above example. I’m talking about the kids who’ve done nothing wrong towards other students. I’m talking about kids who ‘just don’t click’ with others. They’ve played together before but they have nothing in common. There may be differences in interests and hobbies and they don’t have much to talk about. Not clicking with someone is okay. It doesn’t mean you don’t like someone, there’s just no chemistry in the friendship. There are two sides here. As a parent I’d hate to think that my child had spent a recess or a lunchtime alone because they didn’t have any friends to play with. But on the other side of the coin should we force kids to play with each other just because one of them doesn’t have anyone else to play with. I’d like them to have compassion for others but this is learnt through experience- not from having it forced on them. It’s a hard situation. 

Then there are the expectations some parents have about which events they feel their kids ‘should’ be invited to. I recently had my friend Ellie confided in me about a situation involving her sister Annie, Annie’s son Brad and Ellie’s son Andy. Brad has just celebrated his birthday and had chosen four friends to invite for a sleep over. When Ellie found out that Brad had a sleep over with four friend and didn’t invite Andy she was deeply hurt. She as unable to contain her feelings and when she spoke to Annie about Andy’s lack of an invite things got extremely heated to the point of fireworks.

Ellie felt that Andy should have been invited because they were good friends and cousins. However, Annie didn’t invite him for a number of reasons. Firstly, when Brad was asked who he wanted to come for a sleep over Andy wasn’t mentioned. Secondly, the two families live in different cities a three hour drive away. Thirdly Annie knew that the boys would see each other to celebrate Brad’s birthday the following day. So then the mud slinging started-with accusations of bullying and people not loving each other. Things got really out of hand. 

Everyone wants an invite...

The reasons for the exclusion is important to consider. Are the reasons for not including someone genuine or has it been done with malice? I’ve seen more than a few kids invite the entire class- except for one students. Often this has been done by handing out the invitations in front of everyone. Many parents tell their kids that they can invite 25 kids –but not 26 kids. Like one kid is going to make a difference! I think this is a parent’s cunning way to exclude one kid. On the flip side I don’t think it is reasonable to expect your child to be invited to a small group gathering when only a select few have been invited. It is different when a small group is invited compared to a large group.
 

Nobody like to feel excluded. We think we have great relationships with our friends. When we aren’t invited to certain events we question the ‘closeness’ of those relationships. It’s important to remember that sometimes there are reasons someone hasn’t invited us to one of their celebrations. I remember I had a friend who I met when I was eighteen and she was my singing teacher. We eventually ended up teaching at the same school together until she retired. I found out that she was having her 60^th birthday party, and I wasn’t invited. I was surprised because I had known her for over twenty years, she was there for my 18^th, 21^st and 30^th birthdays, my wedding and I babysat her kids when they were young. I thought we were close. I didn’t get upset. I was quietly disappointed and questioned whether I perceived our friendship as closer one than she did. After the party I asked her if she had a good time at her party (because I still wanted her to have a good time) and she took the opportunity to explain her reasons for me not receiving an invite. She told me that she didn’t think I’d have a good time at her party with her ‘old foggy’ friends. I told her I would’ve come because her birthday was about her- and not me. We ended up going out for dinner to celebrate her birthday and we got to chat a lot more than what we would have if I had come to the party.  The point is that there are sometimes well thought out reasons for not inviting someone.

As for incidences of exclusion within the homeschooling community it is hard to say since we've only just begun our journey. What I do know is that it does go on, but I'm not sure of the extent. In the year since we've started our home schooling life we've been excluded a number of times. Simon has been excluded from a small number of gathering because they were for "mothers only." I've had a home schooler on Facebook say that she 'doesn't want anything to do with me or my filthy children' because I "liked" an article about freedom of choice in regards to vaccinations... no great loss there. So it does happen.

Exclusion is hard to deal with. Nobody likes to be left out however there are sometimes reasonable reasons for being excluded. Disappointments are a part of life and we aren’t going to get invited to everything we want to. We have to develop positive self talk for when these situations arise. I think it's important for parents to pave the way in regards to how to respond and feel when they don't get an invite to a friend's place for a sleep over or play date. Kids will often pick up on how their parents are reacting and will usually follow suit. We need to be positive in our responses so that our children follow our positive thoughts and traits.

I hope you've found this post helpful. Please feel free to like, share and comment. Please message me with any typos or edits.

Happy homeschooling.
Alexis
XOXOXXO