Life: a competitve sport?

Life: a competitive sport?

One of my biggest pet hates is what I call a 'story topper.' You know the people I'm talking about. It doesn't matter if you are talking about something awesome that happened to you, or something really bad that happened to you- their story is always bigger and better, or sadder and worse... If you say you didn't sleep much, they say they haven't slept well for the last hundred years. If you tell them that your husband took you to a lovely Bed and Breakfast for your birthday, their husband took them to a lovely Bed and Breakfast in Paris for their birthday.... so I may be exaggerating just a little- but you know the people I mean.





Competitiveness between parents, family and friends came to mind when I was talking to a friend about the trauma I felt after having a medical issue a last year. I was talking to her about how emotional and drained I felt thinking about this brush with death. I aged twenty years in a matter of three weeks. She had cancer previously, she was similar age as me and her  children were the same age as mine. I went to her for some support. I told her that the doctors had found a 10cm mass on my ovary, that I had extremely high cancer markers and the long list of things that I could be was quickly getting shorter with each test. I told her I had an appointment with an oncologist the following day. I told her I was scared and obviously worried for my future and that of my family.  Her response to me? "You don't have cancer, come to me when you're diagnosed and we'll talk then- when you actually have it." She got up and walked away. Was this her way of making me feel grateful that I hadn't yet been diagnosed? I was dumbstruck by her response and our friendship has never been the same. Was this the time to compare the severity of medical illnesses? The coldness and competitive feel of her response brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.

Comparisons are expected.

There are places in life when you expect there to be comparisons and competition. I think a tennis match would be quite boring if there were no point scoring. Obviously when you go for a job interview you are presuming you are being compared to the other applicants. Its the comparisons and competition in everyday life that I'd like to talk about. These are the things that are unnecessary and sometimes just for show. They can often put pressure and stress on those involved, and this can lead to pressure being transferred onto the kids.

Let's start with awards. You know the ones I'm talking about. They are the ones parents put photos of on their Facebook pages. These are intrinsic rewards and often mean more to the parents than they do to the kids. Often, not always. Many kids can see through the award system in schools. Everyone gets one sometime throughout the year. In fact I had one girl in Grade 3 once say to her friend "don't worry about not getting an award this week- you'll get one this year- and you don't have to do anything to get one." I laughed to myself and thought ".... out of the mouths of babes." I know many parents want their kids to have their 5 seconds of assembly fame. I'm not one of those parents. Not if
it not a real achievement.

"That book."

I had a Grade Two child once who was having a tough time making progress with her reading. She was a real go getter and tried and tried to improve her reading. The goal we set together was for her to get to a certain level by the end of the year. It was below where she was "meant" to be for her year level, but it was a leap from where she was at the beginning of the year. In the last few weeks of the year she made it. I was so proud of her, and she was so very proud of herself too. I gave her a copy of the first book she read by herself- "Green Eggs and ham"- for her to keep. Her mum took a photo of us together with our thumbs up holding the book. Interestingly four years later when she was finishing Grade 6 she had complied a book with all her 'keep sakes' from her time in primary school. In it was the photo of us on the day I gave her the book. Even more interesting- she hadn't kept any of her 'special awards.' She is actually one of my Facebook friends now that she is an adult, and one of the first things she said to me after she contacting me was 'I still have that book." A tear. I think private praise is so much more meaningful than public praise that is forced. It is real praise, and not praise just for show.

Childhood isn't a race...

The comparisons that school awards arouses is often hurtful. I had a colleague have a parent once ask her why one student had received an award for 'putting a lot of effort into improving her reading' when her daughter was 'clearly' a better reader than the student who received the award. How sad that this parent felt the need to not only compare her daughter's achievements to someone else's, but to complain that she should've been the one getting the award. I actually saw her each week come to assembly and write down all the reasons each child got an award for. If I have a parent come to me complaining that their child hadn't received an award yet and ask me when they'd be getting one, I'd go to my list of students who've received awards, I'd count how many students hadn't yet received an award yet (say 8) and I'd say "sometime in the next eight weeks." (P.S. they are always in the eighth week...)



Do we want to raise a participation award generation?

Sports ribbons for school sports... blah. At my school our Junior School sports in the first week of the year. Students would compete in basic, fun events such as the egg and spoon race, obstacle course and the sack race. At the end of each race they received a ribbon based on where they came- 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th. Not a problem- right? The issue that I have is the students expecting to get a ribbon for events they didn't participate in. I remember a parent getting very upset with me for not giving her daughter a fourth ribbon (for those who don't know- the colour is yellow for fourth) The reason I didn't give her one... because she didn't participate in it. She said she didn't want to participate... but yet wanted a ribbon for it. The parent thought I was being mean for not giving her one- because "it's only a ribbon." In my view I wasn't just a ribbon, it was an acknowledge of effort put in... not the lack of effort. This leads on from my first point about school awards. Students and parents are beginning to expect rewards for merely existing. Is this what we want for our children? As a parent I want my boys to feel proud of themselves for trying hard to achieve something. I don't want them to feel pride because another person- teacher, parents, grandparents- feel proud of them. I want them to feel proud of themselves because they are legitimately proud of themselves- not because of how others feel. When my boys achieve something new I try to remember to word my response to them carefully. My past self would have said "oh I'm so proud of you." I would now say "you should feel proud of yourself for doing that." Can you see the difference? I can.

Labels. "Gifted" is a descriptor thrown around by many schools, teachers and parents these day. Yes there are definitely, without a doubt academically gifted students in schools. I don't have a problem with this, in fact I love seeing how far gifted students can go with a topic. What I find unnecessary is parents using it as a badge of honour or as a way to put other parents down.

Supportive parents are what every kid needs.

I remember a few years ago I had a situation where I had a mother come to me in tears one afternoon. Over the last few weeks two parents who were 'parent helpers' in the classroom had come to her with suggestions for what she 'should' do with her daughter if she wanted her to be 'gifted'... like their boys. The parent was upset because she knew that they weren't concerned about her daughter's education because she was well and truly a long way off being gifted. In fact they referred to her as being 'considerably behind.' Her mother and myself already knew this. The problem with labeling a child 'gifted' is that it needs more clarification. Are they gifted in everything? Are they academically gifted? Are they socially gifted? I've yet to see a gifted child that was indeed gifted in everything they did. Is academic intelligence more important than emotional intelligence? I had a child in my class one year who was indeed gifted in the area of Numeracy and very bright in reading as well. His mother took extraordinary steps to make sure everyone knew about his gifted label. The problem was that he had a very low emotional intelligence. I can remember him bursting into tears and wailing because he couldn't work out how to put a border on his page while we were working in the ICT lab. Maybe he wasn't used to being the one needing help or maybe he was
frightened his mother would find out he couldn't do something... (He asked me not to tell her...)

Searching for my intellectual superior!

Mainstream schools aren't the only ones effected by a parent's desire to slap a gifted label on their kids and use it to describe them as though it was their middle name as per their birth certificate. I've seen more than a few requests on homeschooling pages asking for play dates with "gifted students only." I find this really unnecessary, and wonder if this is coming from the parents or has their child said to them "I really wish to have a play date with someone who is my intellectual equivalent." Hhhmm. In the school play ground I see good friendships develop between students who are 'above the expected level' and those who are 'working towards the expected level.' I don't see how their level of intelligence should matter. What should matter is if they have similar interests to one another and enjoy each others company. Why limit their social circle like this? Does it even help kids to know they are gifted? I had a prep child once say to me, 'my mum says I'm the best.' She was very bright academically however my reply to her was 'oh, the best what? Best dancer? Best athlete? Best artist?' I didn't say this to put her down, but merely to let her know that there were many areas we could be 'the best' in.

Disco party...

Question: when did kids parties become 'events.' When I was a kid and we had a 'big party' this consisted of inviting five friends over. We'd put on music to have a disco, maybe use torches to give the room the impression we were at a real disco... Today, many kid's birthday parties are events. I've been to a four year old's party that 300 people were invited to... I'm not joking. I don't think Elliott even knows 300 people! The parents justified the large numbers with 'it's his first party ever.' He isn't the only kid whose parents have gone, in my opinion, overboard with their child's party. I can honestly say that over the last ten years I've only ever seen an 'old fashioned' party game played once... pass the parcel -and everyone got a prize... Before I had kids I had a friend once say to me that they weren't having a party for their kid that year because they 'couldn't afford it.' When I asked her what she meant she said that her child's first five parties cost around 2K each. What! She told me of clowns, bouncy castles, princesses, petting zoos, catering.... Catering? When I became a parent I was amazed to see so many different events, characters, performances you could hire for your kid's party. I think I'm pretty good getting helium balloons for each party. What more does a party need? Throw in some chips and hotdogs- bam- party complete.

Here is an interesting article about a child who was invoiced for missing a classmates party.  How would you react to this?

This competitiveness very often leads on to children making comparisons with each other. When it is a child's birthday they are allow to bring something special to show the class. They often bring a toy they received for their birthday. There has been a limited number of times when there hasn't been at least one student in the class to 'top' the birthday girl's or birthday boy's gift. For example,  there was a student who brought in a photo of their new computer. They were very excited about it, and knowing the financial situation of her family, they probably saved up for months in order to afford it. Then it came question time. One student took this as an opportunity to not ask the birthday girl a question about her special gift, but rather to state that they received a computer that was "heaps better" than the birthday girl's prized computer and began listing reasons why theirs was far superior. This is just one example, but it happens all the time. Kids trying to out do each other... I wonder where they get it from?

Why do people feel the need to let other people know how much better their kid is, how much more they love their kid compared to yours. Everyone thinks their kids it the best thing that ever existed. I don't think it's a consistence that I gave birth to the two best kids that ever graced the planet... just a coincidence. Parenting is hard enough as it is. We need to support each other, their choices and their place in life rather than making them feel bad about themselves. Because the thing with competition there is always a winner... and a loser. It doesn't have to be this way.